Lost Along The Way
by EternalEccentric
Summary: FORMERLY TITLED: "Late Night Ficlets" Mini stories also known as ficlets, drabbles, and specufics set to music. Pretty random, spoliers for all seasons and some AU. Read, Enjoy, and Review!
1. Chapter 1

_**AN: I've done it again, Dammit. More song ficlets. Enjoy people! (Just entered my 22-straight hour of wakefulness. Must. Have. Sleep.)  
I sincerely apologize for any typos, leave a review and point 'em out :)**_

**_DISCLAIMER: If I owned them, they would've killed the muses by now ._._**

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_**Seether - Gift: **_

The Angels call it a curse. Profane and deadly, sending him down a dark path with no hope for salvation if he crosses that invisible line.

The Demons call it a gift. Laugh at him behind his back while he pushes blindly forward, so set in doing the _right thing_ that he can't see, or doesn't want to see, all the obvious warning signs. This mere human trying so desperately to prove himself to somebody who doesn't care.

Dean Winchester hovers. Blatantly against it, silently screaming with fear. He doesn't want his brother to go dark-side. He doesn't want to lose his image of his pure little Sammy.

No one ever really asked how Sam Winchester felt about this.

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_**Kansas - Carry On My Wayward Son:**_

Dean's got a lot to be ashamed of.

Protect Sammy- fail

Have steady relationship- fail

Survive Hell- fail

Keep Sammy from going dark-side- depends on who ya' ask

Save the world- failing

He and Sam rarely talk beyond when they absolutely have to nowadays. Their never more than ten feet away from each other, equal parts protection and paranoia, but there might as well be a Mother-Fucking-Grand-Asshole-of a-Canyon.

He doesn't care, he can't work up the energy to care.

And in the dead of night, when he can't sleep cause the screams are just too. Damn. Loud. And Sam's pretending to sleep in the other bed, he wonders how dad would've felt about this

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_**The Beatles - Come Together **_

The final battle.

Looks like something straight out of a mythical storybook. Hell's army, dark and evil and sulfur so strong it can be smelled for hundreds of miles, on one side. Heaven's army, all light and flaming swords and wing-shadows from the angels on the other. And in the dead center separated by a thin invisible line are the two vessels that are supposed to spark the whole thing.

If their damn asses would just give in already.

Lucifer stands beside Sam, whispering in his ear as he shoots daggers at his older brother, Michael. Who stands calmly beside Dean, so sure in the fact that Dean will agree to let him. He's an angel after all, and the entire world hinges on his choice.

And the brothers stand there, communicating through a series of glances and tics. Just waiting to see what the other will do.

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_**Queens Of The Stone Age - No One Knows:**_

Dean's dead.

Has been for almost two months now.

I cut off contact with Bobby after the first month. Ruby showed up a few days after that, all promises and _"worry" _and _"best intentions". _

What the Hell right. I mean, it's not like Dean can do anything about it _(though I kinda wish he could_) No get out of jail free cards from it. This thought draws a morbid chuckle out of - whoa where'd the alcohol go?

Oh Ruby. Again. Pushy, pushy, pushy, practice, practice, practice. Hasn't she ever seen _"The Shining"? _All work and no play and all that stuff. Damn, give a guy a break can't she.

Whoops, may have said that out loud, she's given me the evil eye.

Ya' know the carpet feels really good right now. Not as good as the couch, or a bed would, but I've slept on _(and with) _worse lately.

Out loud again. Damnit. She's gonna mind-fry me right here and now, I guarantee it.

Ah well, not like there's anyone here to know _(or care) _about it.

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_**30 Seconds To Mars - The Kill**_

I can't do this anymore.

Dean. God I love the man, how could I not he practically raised me, but… I think he's killing me.

That was so chick-flicky there that Dean's probably choking on it, even from the store. But I can't do this. He was the one preaching about dead things staying dead and then he turns around and brings me back.

I don't get it. Especially considering how he felt after Dad…

But I've got to fix it. There's no way Dean's going to Hell for me.

Three Hundred and Fifty-Nine days left.

I've got a lot of work to do.

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_**Breaking Benjamin - Dance With The Devil**_

The air is choked with ash. Sky full of fire and so forth, makes sense that there'd be ash too.

But that's beside the fact. Because tonight's the night that Sam and Dean are going to take down the devil.

That's right Sam and Dean. Fuck the angels and the demons and their destinies. Fuck 'em all.

There's only one way the last two Winchesters are gonna go down. And that's fighting together. To the very end.

Two quick glances, a life-times worth of messages transmitted in the span of seconds and they fight.

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_**Staind - Bother:**_

Dean loves Sam.

Don't get him wrong he gave everything for Sam, and even now, even seeing what happened because of it…he'd do it again in a heartbeat.

But lately looking at Sam, seeing just Sam-Demon Hunter Extraordinaire. It scares him. And he is so _tired_ of this End of the World Bullshit, he wants so bad to just rewind time. To find some way to change this all before it happens.

Deep, deep down he just wants his Sammy back.

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_**Queensryche - Silent Lucidity **_

Where did it all go so wrong?

One day he's a normal college student. Beautiful girlfriend, interview of Monday, mostly well-paying job, roof over his head.

And in the span of a few minutes it's all gone, swallowed by rampaging fire. All he's got left is a ruck. With a few days worth of clothes and that image of Jess is seared into his memory, every time he shuts his eyes, it's all he sees.

He loathes going to sleep. His mind so determined to destroy him. Every time he tries to sleep, he's back, happy and normal and God it _hurts_ to wake up and remember that he's on some ratty motel bed that's seen much, much better days.

He'll never tell Dean…but sometimes he prays that he'll just fall asleep and never wake back up.

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_**30 Seconds To Mars - Beautiful Lie:**_

They fight constantly now.

Frankly it terrifies Dean sometimes.

He's the one that's there afterwards. He sees the darkness that swirls in Dad's eyes. The thirst for revenge that it, admittedly, tends to eclipse the smaller things. He sees the despair in Sam, the way John can beat him down like few others in the world can. He sees the effects these fights have on them, reactions their too stubborn to show each other.

Dean wants to believe that he can hold them together. He can do this, even if it takes everything he's got.

He can't afford to lose.

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	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Happy day-after-Pagen-Holiday-Day !!  
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****enid18: I had a chapter for the song "Cure My Tragedy" but we got a new computer for Christmas so when we crashed the other computer it deleted my chapter. Pissed me off it did, cause it was fucking G.O.O.D if I can say so myself. I'm going to retype it for the next chapter though.**

Chapter two for all those who care, Read, Review, love, hate, ya'll know the deal  
Jess:)

**DISCLAIMER: I HATE YOU SANTA!  
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**Lostprophets - 4a.m Forever:**

What am I supposed to do?

Dean's…

What happens now?

I should've worked harder, faster, researched more I could've…I could've saved him.

Bobby's worried. He says we ought to burn- to purify- his cor-what's left- but I can't do that. I can't just burn Dean up here when he's burning in He-down there.

I couldn't save him.

I've got to get him back. He wanted me to just go on. To keep living but I can't.

I'm going to get him back.

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**Fuel- Last Time:**

Demon blood. It's for the best, he knows this. It's not good or righteous or necessarily healthy but it's for the best, and that's good right? He's doing this to help Dean and the Angels beat the demons.

Sam's not stupid, he knows it, Dean knows it, everyone knows it. Hell, he got into Stanford full ride. He knows the dangers included with this, with using these powers and he _knows_, more than anything else, the risks that come with them.

Every time, every single time he uses these powers, he knows he's inching just a step further down that path but He knows when to stop dammit!

He's not going to go darkside.

Yet as he rips another demon out of another helpless victim and they _live, _maybe it gets a little harder to stop.

_And maybe Ruby knows this. _

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**Aerosmith - Back In The Saddle:**

It's kind of scary how quickly Sam's readjusted to the hunting lifestyle.

Don't mistake him, things have changed obviously- it's been about four years- and he misses his Jess and friends and the chance for a normal life like you wouldn't believe but, deep down, it's really f-ing good to be back.

Dean's been readjusting too, he can tell. But he can also tell that Dean's happier than a bum in a whorehouse to have him back. And if there's one thing that hasn't changed between them it's the banter. _(bitch-jerk, it was nice Dean didn't forget that) _

Life with Jess, normal life was wonderful and honestly Sam would still return in a heartbeat but it's kind of comforting to have someone that knows the reason behind salt at the doorway and sigils in the windowsill, _(he'd done both those in secret with their apartment. Scrubbing salt into the doorframe and windowsills until his hands bled and the salt was damn near invisible) _and the Impala, the eardrum-bursting music, the hokey motel rooms, the greasy diners… Well maybe deep down he missed those too.

It's good to be back.

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**Evanescence - Whisper:**

They say the day Dean Winchester died his brother Sam went, for lack of better words, insane.

Now those who knew Sam, knew that he had always been a quiet kid, great thinker, and strategist, one of the best researchers the hunting world had ever seen. Hell, if his girlfriend hadn't died he could've made it to the Supreme Court.

After Dean died though, kid just snapped.

He didn't get worse exactly, just a little colder and a hell of a lot reckless. Cut a mile wide streak up and down the states chasing after the Demon that held Dean's ticket, made quite a name for himself in both worlds as a Demon Hunter. Two years into it he even bought himself a ticket and flew over to England following a lead. Came back a year later a little more himself and a lot more beat-up, not that he would tell anyone what happened.

It seemed, for awhile at least, that Sam had calmed down, had accepted Dean's death and moved on. But November 2014 he vanished again, left all his things and disappeared while he was staying at old Singers house. Singer called a few other hunters in and they went through the kids room, found a whole lotta shit by the sound of it too. Old Testament kinda stuff.

Three days after the Halloween there was a "explosion" in a Detroit, took out most of the city in one shot, the rest went down from spreading fires, the works.

A string of horrible factory explosions was the official explanation but any hunter worth his salt could recognize the signs of some heavy level demon crap going down there, some kind of summoning ritual gone wrong. And after that almost all demon activity ceased, like they all had been called to that one area and taken out.

Apparently they had been trying to bring the Light-bringer himself up from below and for that they needed Sam to go darkside or something, he was one of the keys they needed to pull him up, and judging by what happened it didn't quite work out. One demon, caught by chance by Feilding, said they almost got him to do it. Said they brought _"Dean" _back to egg him on. But the kid wouldn't do it, used his mo-jo and reversed the gate on them so it started pulling demons in instead of sending them out.

"_Dean"…_he demoned out and took Sam with them. Sam knew it wasn't his brother and he still wouldn't fight against him so the thing beat the kid's ass 'till he was two inches from death and dragged what was left through the gate as it was closing.

That was six years ago and demon activities been picking back up again.

I can tell you one thing personally, I don't want to be around when whatever's passing for those boys comes ripping out, by then you might as well bend over and kiss your ass goodbye.

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**30 Seconds To Mars - Stranger In A Strange Land:**

Angels. Who'd of possibly thought that of all things in the world it's the Angels that jump-started the end of the world. God's holy warriors, and lets not forget that God apparently ditched years ago. Oh yeah the we've been working towards this for years, eons even, but it was the Angels who broke the final; seal. Or more correctly pushed Sam Winchester to break the final seal.

Sneaky sons-a-bitches those Angels are. Pulled Dean out of Hell, told him his job was to save the world, told him he had to keep Sammy from breaking it and if he could do this one thing, he'd be done, they'd let him have his normal life. At the same time their watching, placing their bets and egging Sam on as they watch him stumble along his little misguided path of vengeance and righteousness, lengthening the gap between the brothers so it all works.

Now look at the state the worlds in. The Angels are telling Dean to accept his destiny. The Demons are calling Sam home. And the boys themselves are running up and down the country trying to hold everything in their fragile lives together.

And you all say we Demons are the evil ones.

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**AN 2.0: **It felt weird typing Jess into this story. It felt like I was including myself into the friggin thing. :P  
Anyways, I hope ya'll liked that,

Jess :)


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hey ya'll, heres Chapter 3!!**

**enid18: Thank you so much for the song ideas. Especially the Nickelback one, I don't feel like I did it much justice in this story, but it just fit Sam's 4 season-arc perfectly. I didn't use all your song ideas in this chapter, but I do intend to sort ofspace them in throughout the story. The good thing was that some of them are on my playlist already :)**

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**Nickelback- Just To Get High:**

What happened to Sammy, my Sammy?

I raised that boy, damn near since he was a baby, and honestly before all this, I could say myself that I did a damn fine job. Tried to give him everything I never had and then some, let him go when he had to leave for college. Tried to help him when he was suffering through Jessica's death and when he was looking for a way to keep me alive.

But now, I'm sitting in this room and he's screaming in the basement, begging me to let him out, to let him run back to that fucking bitch Ruby and get his sick little fix, and I…I don't know what to do.

I mean, I've been watching for damn near the past year, watching him throw himself away piece-by-fucking-piece and I kept telling myself that we could fix this. Just after this hunt we'd sit down and talk it out and I'd help him figure this out. I never realized how far it was going.

Hindsight's 20/20 they say, and damn if it ain't true. All those little signs I missed before, the jumpiness and the headaches and the illnesses. Fucking Demon blood of all things. I expected him to start spiraling after I died, but I guess I always expected him to stay with Bobby, or go back to his "normal" life, not go all…all suicidal and revenge quest 5000 after Lilith.

God help me, God help us I just don't know anymore. I can't even go down there and make sure he's not dying.

What the Hell happened to us?

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**Oueensryche - Revolution Calling:**

Hell hath no fury like Sam Winchester pissed.

Especially when said Winchester is sick of being pushed around by everyone else. Just ask John, he tried for damn near nineteen years to control how the kid acted and look at how that worked out for him. And he died, just to be replaced with Angels and Demons, Holy plans and "Destiny", Lucifer and God.

Well fuck all that.

Sam's through with it. Everyone can go boil their damn heads. He's sick of the Angels telling him the powers he's got are evil and unholy. He's sick of the Demons mocking and cheering him along. He's sick of Dean's hovering, "oh the Angels said to stop" crap. That must mean dear old God doesn't like it either.

Well God might as well join Satan in Hell, cause Sam's done with it all. He knows what he's gonna do and how he's gonna do it. If everyone else disagrees he can't force himself to give a flying-rat-shit anymore.

This is Sam's story and everyone else be dammed he's playing it his way.

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**Queensryche - Eyes Of A Stranger:**

Sam doesn't recognize himself anymore.

"The man who broke the world" as the Trickster- sorry the Archangel Gabriel- would probably put it. He can't even look at himself in the mirror anymore, which is probably why his hair is resembling the mop Dean used call it more often these days.

It's sad really. It's sad and stupid and fucked up in ways you can't even begin to imagine, and Sam knows he deserves this. He almost single-handedly destroyed the lives of everyone in the world. Normal people, with wives and children and their white picket fences are going to die because he was so focused on his stupid quest for revenge that he let it block out all the consequences.

And the worst part for him, is the fact that he doesn't know what to do anymore, He can't fix it. He's in back-up position, likely forever, because not giving in apparently pissed Lucifer off and he back to the point of not being able to go within twenty-fucking-feet of a demon without wanting that God awful power back. Every fucking day some Angel comes by and drags Dean off to help fight some big important battle that Sam's no longer privy to because he's a "safety hazard" and more than one of those Angels has suggested behind his back that they should just kill him, put him out of everybody's misery.

Believe Sam, if he thought Lucifer would let him stay dead. He'd do it himself.

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**Sixx: A.M. - The Girl With Golden Eyes:**

How did it get this far?

How am I depending on Ruby, on a Demon- something Dad taught me and Dean to hunt everyday of our lives- to get me through a day?

It's like I can't make it through a day without her anymore. I…I don't get it. It's not love, God no, she could never replace Madison or Jess, but she's there, and it makes it better, easier to handle the fact that Dean isn't.

I know I made a mistake when I agreed to let her "help". I know the training, using these powers, the Demon Blood, it's a slippery slope. And by God I'm trying my hardest to not slip, I don't want to turn into something like her, but without Dean here…

What's the point of fighting it?

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**The Rasmus - Funeral Song:**

_Blood, so thick it saturates the ground, staining everything red._

_Screams, they choke the air, rising and falling like some insane song._

_Ash chokes the air too, impairs your vision as you slash and fight at unrecognizable enemies, struggling to move forward in a crowd packed so tight it's like swimming through drying concrete. _

_You don't know why your moving forward at first. It's just this feeling buried deep in your gut, honed by a life of training, that something bad is going to happen if you don't move fast enough. _

_Things start to come into focus the longer you move. Faces are clearer. Bobby, Castiel, Rufus, Anna, Chuck, Gabriel, all streaked with blood and who knows what else, eyes wild with fear and fury. And suddenly you know what your looking for. _

_Sam. _

_A new strength finds itself in your tired limbs and you move forward with a new determination. You find yourself suddenly in a small circle of calm. It's like sitting in the eye of a hurricane, the battle still swirls and rages around you but this area just radiates calm. _

_Sam's standing at the center, facing off with Lucifer, an interesting and terrible contrast between the two. Lucifer stands calm, serene even, clean white suit glaringly bright against the red of battle. He is unarmed, small smile curling his hosts lips. Not five feet away Sam stands glaring. Blood runs down his face, trailing from a scar you don't remember that runs diagonally from temple to halfway down his cheek, narrowly avoiding his eye. He stands tall, yet coiled like a spring, hands clenched tightly around identical blades. _

_And suddenly it strikes you, as Lucifer turns, small grin morphing into a full cunning smile as he sees you standing there, that this must be the battle. Detroit, the final stop, the final big battle. Lucifer lifts his hand, still smirking, towards your direction. Sam turns just as pain, terrible pain explodes across your chest. The last thing you see is him running towards you, battle forgotten as everything fades. _

In the guest room of Bobby Singers Salvage Yard, Dean Winchester jolts awake, the faint remnants of pain still skittering across his chest.

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**REVIEWS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
**_(thank you much :)_


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: So...this chappies a little different, How? Well, It's only got one song for one, For two it's actually got Castiel in it (I know, liek omg right!)  
Anywho, weirdo time over, this part wasn't originally supposed to be this long, I just put the song on repeat and kept typing and before I know it BAM! over a thouhsand words. I didn't want to interrupt any other stories with this one though so it gets its own special little chapter :)**

**DISCLAIMER: ....do I really need to say it ( I suppose since I forgot to put a DISCLAIMER on the last chapter I have to :(...I don't own them...happy now?  
LANG. WARNING: A little late really if you've made it this far, and there's honestly not much cussing in this one either .**

**Hope it makes sense, no beta so all mistakes are mine, and mine alone,  
Jess :)**

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_**Sixx: A.M - Courtesy Call**_

Seven years this war has gone on. Seven years the brothers Winchester had been fighting this battle separately, why they chose to when they were so obviously better as a team was something that escaped even his knowledge, but they did so anyways. Dean let Sam leave him in that state park after their confrontation with War and, as far as he knows, that was the last time they ever saw each other before the war ended. He knows they exchanged news sometimes but it was only about possible sighting of higher level demons, deaths of other Hunters, nothing like the brotherly exchanges they shared before Lucifer was released.

On October 30, 2016, fifteen minutes to midnight, Castiel feels something feather light brush against what's left of his Angelic side_ (which, incidentally, had been fading since…whoever brought him back)._

_"Philadelphia Hotel, Room 7, just outside Detroit, I suggest you hurry."_

With that the tenuous connection breaks. Dean's staring at him funnily as he stumbles out the room, but after a moment he shakes his head and goes back to strategizing with the other few hunters. Outside Castiel musters up as much of his power as he can and flashes over to the hotel.

Calling it a wreck would be putting it nicely. The front half of the buildings on fire, smoke rising thick in the sky, while the doors to half the other rooms are hanging crooked and it looks like most of the windows have blown out.

Picking his way through the rubble Castiel moves towards room seven and carefully pushes the off-kilter door open. What's inside probably would've sent most humans- scratch that, most lower-level Angels into shock. It's literally a blood-bath, the entire rooms saturated with it and there are at least ten or eleven bodies strewn haphazardly around room, all ringed around one figure pressed against the far wall, sacred knife held limp in one hand.

Even from the door, under all the gore Castiel can recognize Sam.

He moves across the room hesitantly, unusual fear bubbling through his being. He can't tell what happened here, though judging by the blood and bodies it could've been an ambush, though right now he can't even tell if Sam is still alive.

Castiel crouches by Sam's side, and reaches out tentatively to check for a pulse. As if he were waiting for this moment Sam heaves in a harsh breath, causing Castiel to draw back almost fast enough to topples backwards into the bloody carpet. For the barest instant they stare at each other and Castiel could swear that there's a flicker of relief in Sam's eyes before they slide shut and Sam lets his head fall back against the wall, a tired, rough harsh-sounding laugh breaking free of worn lungs.

"Didn't think you'd get the message." He sighs, letting the blade slide out of his hands. It lands with a hollow squish against the floor, one neither of them acknowledge, one out of exhaustion, the other out of principle.

Castiel can tell that Sam's in bad shape. His breaths are harsh, shallow, and now that he's conscious Cas can see the trembles running up and down his collapsed frame. He's too drenched with blood for Cas to tell if he's bleeding himself but safe moneys on yes.

"You need a hospital." he says sharply, raising his hand and preparing to send Sam away, but Sam reaches up and catches his wrist, eyes shining with something that Cas can't readily recognize.

"I don't need anything," he says softly, yet somehow strongly, " Dean does though. You need to warn him, the attack won't work, he needs a better plan, going straight in won't do anything but get them killed."

"I don't understand." Castiel responds. Sam sighs and drops his hand, breathing quickly becoming more labored.

"Dean will, he's planning even if no one else knows it, and it. won't. work," For just a second Castiel sees Sam's eyes go distant, his voice gains a sort of lost tone to it, like a little kid remembering a lost toy or friend, "Tell him he needs to wait another…six months. Lucifer will be weaker by then, that's the time to strike. Now go"

Castiel sits for a moment, observing the young man in front of him, broken so many times by fate itself, but still fighting, what should be long-dead faith still lingering faintly in the back of his mind.

"What are you going to do?" he asks, just as softly as Sam had been speaking before. Sam flashes him a weak grin, fighting against the pain as he dragged himself further up.

"Can't die, remember? Lucifer'll just drag me back. So I'm gonna do what everyone else is doing, 'm gonna keep fighting. Now go, Dean needs that info."

Castiel nods sharply once, twice, and stands. Acting on impulse he offers his hand down to Sam, who blinks a few times, even raising a eyebrow at him before accepting the hand up, giving a furious curse when his grating ribs disagree with the movement. After making sure Sam can stand Castiel moves towards the door listening to him shifting slowly behind him.

Turning once as he prepares to transport back to Dean he sees Sam pouring what looks like gasoline over the corpses as he moves slowly towards the door. He glances once towards the door, offers Cas a slight parting nod as the later begins to fade away.

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When Castiel gives Dean the news, he looks surprised. When he tells Dean who gave him the message a faint smile flits across his face. He doesn't tell Dean what state Sam was in when he found him, they all saw the news of the apparent hotel rampage and tragic fire (thirty-seven were killed before and during the fire) amongst all the other horrors that fill the news nowadays, and he's pretty sure that Dean knows what caused it.

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Six months later Dean faced down with Lucifer in Detroit. Dean won somehow and the world slowly began rebuilding.

Two years later Sam was still nowhere to be found, though if one looked hard enough they could find faint traces of him in the news, always in the background protecting the innocents and fighting against what demons remained on Earth.

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November 2, 2020 Castiel feels another faint brush against his mind. He can tell this one means goodbye and when he walks into Dean's hotel room an hour later Dean's putting his phone back on the table, a sad smile on his face and only says one thing as he passes Castiel, headed for his car.

"California."


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: LOOK. CHAPTER NUMBER 5 HAS FINALLY ARRIVED !!!!!!!!  
whoa dude sugar rush...anyways, this chapter would've been up Saturday but I went to a going away party on Friday and ended up spensing the night over there and a few things happened.  
1) spent 30 min. waiting for two people to kiss** (what a waste of time :( )  
**2) Made everyone watch Cry_Wolf** (they all thought Dodger was a bitch)  
**3)Never fell asleep  
4)Got two other people addicted to Supernatural **(Kick-fucking-ass. Their pissed now 'cause they can't watch it at home :) )  
**5) Found someone else that likes Supernatural **(She's more of a DeanGirl than a SamGirl but she agrees that Sammy's cute so its all good there)  
**6) Drank more soda in eighteen hours than I ever have in a month **(which is probably why I couldn't sleep now that I think about it...) **and found out that Papa Johns pizza is gross cold.  
7) Figured out that my parents are moving us to Texas during summer break **(Kristi's gonna kill them, I swear to God, and she's got my full approval on that matter too)

**Moving on, new chapter, read,review,enjoy, ya'll should still know the drill,  
Jess :) **

**DISCLAIMER:I do not own the following:  
Jared Padalecki's ass  
Jensen Ackles's ass  
Misha Collin's ass  
Any of the following (and previously) used songs  
The rights to Supernatural  
or Jared Padalecki's ass (DAMMIT !!!!!)**

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**Nickelback - Too Bad**

Two days before Dean's eighteenth birthday John took off after a lead on the thing that killed his wife.

They had rented out a small apartment in bumfuck, Ohio for the next few months and settled in so Dean could finish his last month of high school. He left around eight, just after the bus had pulled away, left a quick note and a few twenties on the table. Sure he had promised Dean a day off on his birthday but the hunt was more important, wasn't it?

Five days later he came back, worn and weary from what had turned out to be a dead-end lead. The lights were off in the apartment so he made a passable attempt at stealth as he slid through the door.

"Hunt was a bust wasn't it." The light flickered on, reveling Sam standing in the opposite doorway, a positively dangerous glint in his eyes. John jumped, even as he realized that this looked like some scene out of some bad teenage movie, only he was the kid sneaking in the house. He opened his mouth, floundering for a response but Sam was already across the room, so close John could see the way the kid's clenched hands were shaking.

"What the _Hell_ were you thinking?" Sam's voice was practically a growl, and John realized suddenly just how old his youngest son looked in that moment. "You fucking left to chase after some stupid fucking lead, two fucking days before Dean's birthday, the day you _promised_ him was going to be normal-"

"-Sam," John tried weakly, feeling his own anger flare slightly as Sam kept going, voice shaking from suppressed emotion.

"He's sick, by the way, so that _normal _day you promised him was spent in the bathroom with him chucking every meal he's eaten in the past decade and me panicking because- surprise, surprise, -your god-damn phone was turned off." John winced mentally, remembering how his battery had died out a few hours after he left.

All the fight seemed suddenly leave Sam. He spun, around flipping the light back off with a short, jerking slap and walking back down to the bedroom he shared with Dean. John heard the words that where muttered as he past their room though, intent on hitting the shower before he himself hit the sack.

"_You know the worst part is, he doesn't blame you for it." _

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**Creed - Weathered **

"_For the love of God Sam won't stop screaming." _

But then again if you believe the Angels, God ditched a long while ago, and even if he was around somewhere he obviously has no love for Winchesters.

"_Why won't he stop screaming?"_

If he thinks long enough Dean can remember when this started. He can remember going out to grab food, getting back to the motel room expecting to find Sam and maybe some decent pay-per-view, hell the world was ending he might as well have found something decent to watch while it happened, and instead walking into a empty room and getting a second of blistering pain before darkness. He can remember waking up chained to the wall in an impossibly clean, white room and panicking when he couldn't see Sam.

"_Still screaming, it just never fucking stops."_

He can remember some Angel, _archangel he thinks it was but honestly he can't work up the energy to really care, _wearing some poor fat middle-aged dude coming in a speaking to him, spoutin' bullshit about how eventually Dean would let Michael in. He can remember how he had said _"fuck no, fuck you, and fuck your God_" and _"give me your best damn shot". _

He can remember how the Angel had smiled after that and the screams, those God-awful screams, started as if on cue, and it was so clearly _Sam _that Dean really had panicked then, actually cracking the stone wall as the Angel left, trying to get to Sammy, cause they were fucking hurting him and Dean. Couldn't. Stop .It

"_Screaming, always screaming, it never stops, like some hideous fucking record put on repeat and played extra loud."_

And Dean wants it to stop, he really does, but another part is terrified of that happening, 'cause when it does it means either he or Sam have given in and virtually the last thing Sam had said to him was "_I can't give up, can't let him in, neither should you" _and he doesn't want to let his baby brother down. They were just startin' to be brothers again. So he continues to fight, breaking inside ever-so-slowly like a shattering glass on slow-mo, and he knows that Sammy's doin' the same and now it's just a race to see who snaps first.

"_Daddy, make Sammy stop."_

**---------------**

**Breaking Benjamin - Without You **

Lucifer was right.

"…_six months, in Detroit." _

And as he watches the battle Sam can see that the demons are going to win. Not like he can do anything to help them, being trapped in he own meatsuit and all. Not like he'd help them if he could though, so its not like its his issue here.

Sam never wanted to give in. Hell Sam was raised to fight, taught from when he took his first steps that you never stop fighting, cause once you do you let the enemy win, regardless of if he lives or not, and Sam lived by that lesson for almost twenty-six years, proved it with his fights with Dad, and Dean, and the Angels and Demons.

But Dean died again. Died for real this time, cause the Angels really are worthless dicks that thought cancer would convince Dean to give in and they realized too late that they couldn't bring him back again, and Sam was left with Dean's corpse and memories of him coughing blood and crying and _screaming_ cause the pain was just that bad and the Doctors couldn't treat it but Dean still wasn't going to give in, to stop the pain because that meant saying yes to Michael and he swore he wouldn't, not on his life.

Sam was left with Dean's true final words which were_ "I'm sorry Sammy, so fucking sorry" _and the words that weren't spoken but heard just as clearly _"Please try to keep fighting, try to keep going". _And then he had to bury Dean again, only this time it was a true hunters send off with the salt'n'fire so nobody could screw with his body this time and after that Sam was left with…nothing. Nothing but Lucifer in his head at night and Demons/Hunters/Angels on his ass during the day.

So in the end, a few days after what would've been Sam's twenty-seventh birthday he sits in the rapidly shrinking corner of his mind that's still his and watches the battle and tries figure out how they could've avoided this if this was destiny. He tries to ignore Lucifer's observations of how his creations are faring against his brethren and thinks about Dean and the past and wonders if Dean, wherever he is blames Sam for giving in.

In the end Sam thinks Dean can't blame him cause Sam wasn't lying when he told Dean that he couldn't live, wouldn't fight anymore without him.

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**Kansas-Dust In The Wind**

"_Right now we got a better chance of avoiding Lucifer, and the Angels, and all this crap if we're apart."_

Not a day goes by now that Dean doesn't regret saying those words. If he knew then what they'd cause, if he had know that leaving Sam meant leaving him open, vulnerable to those damn hunters and Lucifer and everything else while he was off in the future he'd never had said them, but hey, hindsight's 20/20 right? And Dean's not an idiot. He knows Cas can't send him back, he knows that the Angels were probably planning on this happening from day one and that they'd end up separated one way or another, and none of that makes it any easier to look at Sam now and see…nothing.

Knowing that he probably couldn't have changed any of this from happening doesn't make it any easier to deal with the fact that he's still got Sam in a physical sense but _mentally_? Mentally is a whole other ball game.

What Dean doesn't know, as he walks down the cursed fucking stairs and across the floor towards Bobby's thrice-fucked panic room-Sammy's room- is how Sam's gonna be today. He doesn't know if Sammy will be scared, upset, happy, pissed, suicidal, confused, high, or catatonic again. Or, worst of all, so normal, so _Sam,_ that it makes his heart clench and all he wants to do is scream, and curse, and cry cause, Sam'll be lost again tomorrow and the cycle will begin again.

Both the Winchesters screwed-up, it's practically a family trait by now to fuck-up so badly that the entire world feels it, but Dean can't fight the feeling that neither of them deserve this.

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**REVIEW !!!**

_(pleases) _


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Hey Ya'll !!!  
Chapter 6 is up and runnin' and kick ass **(but thats just me boosting my own ego) **if I may say so myself. A few warnings before-hand though:  
"Paid In Full" is supposed to be like Sam's run of thought. Just some random stuff that I think he could've been thinking  
"Monsters" is supposed to be read like someone was talking to you, I just really didn't feel like adding in a ton of quotation marks and making it all sloppy.  
Now go forth and read dammit !!**

DISCLAIMER: Don't make me say it, I'm happy in my little land of insanity right now

LANGUAGE WARNING FOLKS, SHOULDN'T SURPRISE YA'LL BY NOW, 

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**Switchfoot - The Beautiful Letdown: **

For about a month after he turns sixteen Sam just shuts down. Won't talk, won't meet Dean's or John's eyes, barely eating, he draws so far inwards that, for awhile at least, John considers actually taking him to a hospital and having a psychiatrist look at him and he would've if it weren't for the fact that Hunting ain't exactly a pro-ball career and he's got more than one warrant on his head. So he resigns himself to waiting for Sam to break out of whatever funk he's fallen into.

And that resolution comes back to bite them all in the ass a few weeks later when he conveniently "forgot" about the Sammy-not-speaking-issue in favor for a poltergeist hunt. A poltergeist that also just happened to be more on the side of "Batshit insane" the scale then he expected and decided Sam was good target practice.

Some eight hours later they're in the towns surprisingly well-staffed hospital and John's returning with his fourth cup of coffee and a less than healthy amount of anger towards his youngest, he's literally ready to pin Sam's ass to the wall 'cause he trained Sam to recognize an attack before it happens and dammit if Sam had seen it coming they'd be in the next state already. But right before he enters Dean's room he hesitates, perhaps wisely cause there's voices floating through the thin door, one of which is clearly, groggily Dean's and the other less recognizable since he hasn't heard it in quite a few weeks.

Sighing John pushes his anger back for now, unsure whether he should be relieved that once his anger does release itself Sam will screaming right back.

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**Trapt - Influence **

It hurts for Dean to be around Sam nowadays, not in a physical way, Dean's pretty sure he could still kick Sam's ass in a fair fight, but in a "what the hell is Sammy gonna do next?" sense. It's not even anything Dean can really express, even to himself, in words. More of a sense, a fear, that he's totally lost the connection he used to have with his baby brother. The kid he used to know better than himself, just got lost during those four months in booze, and sneaky demon bitches, and demon blood.

Demon Blood?

Hell, if there's one thing Dean's sure of right now, it's that he honestly can't trust shit from Sam anymore, not when Sam's three sheets to the wind and getting high of fucking blood.

Seriously, Demon Blood!

The moment Sam slipped far enough to think demon blood, the reason most angels apparently wanted Sam wiped off the face of the Earth, had to have been the moment Sam lost his mind.

Cause, honestly if Sam is somehow still sane, if he actually thinks the blood, being a practical vampire, will help him take down Lilith, Dean might actually have to make true on his reluctant promise to hunt Sammy down.

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**Breaking Benjamin - Evil Angel **

When Sam gives up there's no sudden flash of light. No sonic boom or catastrophic splitting of the Earth.

What there is, is a desperate young man, not even thirty, abandoned by his family, wanted dead by the Angels, Demons, and Hunters alike. There's just Sam, alone in the latest building he's been hiding in, frozen in shock, phone still clutched in his hand, Dean's angry message playing on endless loop in his mind.

"_You said you were finished with the Demon blood Sam! But I guess this is what I deserve for believing you right? Turn my back for three weeks and your already sliding back into old habits. Forget it, next time I see you I'll make sure I've got the knife handy." _

It's amazing how a few simple, pissed words can cause Sam to splinter so completely, shaky hope he's built over the past month crumbling like rotted wood as he sinks to the floor, glassy eyes staring forward. There's a slight brush of wind and Lucifer's there, host looking practically like a corpse. Sam doesn't bother asking how he found him, guy just always seems to be there now, patiently waiting for Sam to finally snap, to say yes.

All it takes this time is one softly spoken word and the phone clatters to the floor. Sam's eyes slide shut, a single tear escaping as he prays one final time for forgiveness and agrees.

_It doesn't occur to him, in his few final seconds of consciousness that the Angels could've messed with his phone again, they've done it before after all._

On the other side of the country Dean glances again at his silent phone in the passenger seat, wondering if Sam will agree to be a team again.

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**Sonata Arctica - Paid In Full**

It's a bit of an understatement to say that I slipped after Dean died. More like fell flat on my ass and rode the line between Good and Bad like a fucking water-slide, blurring it more often than a vigilante killer. I know I did some messed up shit while Dean was down under but almost all of it was done to get him back, it wasn't supposed to come back and hit us like this, wasn't supposed to break the world.

I guess all of us, Me, Bobby, Dean himself, thought that it would get better after Dean got back, like it would throw some magical switch and the shit I did upstairs with the Demon-Blood, the souls Dean tortured below wouldn't matter. We're all morons on some level I guess, wishing for stuff we couldn't have. Didn't live under that wish for too long though, Dean knew all of five seconds after seeing me that something had changed, hasn't looked at me the same since that Angel, "Castiel" told him I was screwing around with my Cursed-Gift-Demonic-Whatever. He didn't know that I knew something was wrong too, long before he actually told me what happened.

And I know that I fucked-up even more royally letting the Demon-Blood take that much control, the panic room was like my final chance from Dean and I screwed up there too, took my first chance at escape without thinking twice, ran right back to Ruby like everybody expected, like all the Angels and Demons wanted. Killed Lilith without even blinking, or thinking about what it could cause.

Hopefully now Dean can understand why I'm doing this. I see it in his eyes whenever he glances in my direction. The that he doesn't even bother trying to hide sometimes. I know that he may think I'm abandoning him again, just like Stanford or the other half-dozen times since then but I just need to back off for a while, regroup and figure out what the Hell I'm gonna do.

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**Matchbook Romance - Monsters **

The world was fucked about the same time the Winchesters clawed their way back out of Hell, but we got a nice couple years of peace before it happened, a sort of lull when demonic activity dropped back down to near zero.

That really should've been our first sign that something was wrong. Demons are wily bastards, ask anyone who's faced 'em, never ones to back away from a fight. The fact that they went all passive should've put us on edge but we relaxed instead, though that blow-up in Detroit was a one time thing that would end it all.

And then Lawrence exploded. Literally fucking exploded, left nothing but a giant crater, just like "Sunnydale" if you're into that stuff, and the rumors started to flow around, starting from none other than Bobby Singer himself. Now Singer had aged obviously, but the man was still a damn sharp thinker even if he couldn't hunt physically anymore. He had also been in possession of the older Winchester's Impala ever since the younger one kicked the metaphysical bucket. It sat next to his house like a monument of everything they had ever done, and one morning it was just gone, vanished in a cloud of dust at two in morning. Every once in a while after that you'd hear about how someone had seen, actually "seen" the brothers, walking, talking…and killing. Mysterious deaths took an upswing too, usually lesser known hunters, sometimes criminals the police couldn't catch, not anyone that wasn't a Hunter would really be able to connect together.

Scoff all you want, I've seen 'em myself.

Oh yeah, now you're all interested. Might as well tell ya' right? Personally I'm expecting fire and brimstone any day now, so its best you be prepared.

Was up near Denver, visiting an old pal that said they had a lead on some mysterious deaths in the woods I was checking out, when none other than Dean Winchester walked though the door, still wearing his own skin, not looking a day older than he had been when he died, acting like it was just another day. If it wasn't for the look in his eyes you coulda believed he was still human. Sam came not seven seconds later, still shadowing his brother like always, but it was a little more obvious to tell something was wrong with him, moved like he was being followed by someone-or something-bigger and badder. Made me think for a minute that Hell had taken a little longer to get to him.

I won't tell ya what happened that day, just that it was bloody and I was damn lucky to get away, even more lucky that Dean didn't send Sam out after me.

I can tell you one thing, anybody ever says anything about a classic Chevy in town around you, even if it was during a dream they'd had a night before, you haul ass out of there. I don't know what those boys are after but someone like you ain't gonna stop them from getting it.

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**PLEASE REVIEW, MY MUSES ARE THREATING TO REVOLT !!!**


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Chapter 7 ya'll. Don't got much to say here, trying to fine tune chapter 2 of W.I.D so I can put it up but I do want to ask: did any of you have trouble uploading chapters on Friday and last night, the site wouldn't accept the chapter 'til now.** _*grumbles*_

**"SALLY FOR-!, SALLY FORT-!, sally forth"**

**DISCLAIMER: Not saying it this time, nunh-uh**

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Broken Iris - A New Hope

"I can't believe we did it man. It's been awhile I know but, we saved the world."

The wind rustles through the trees, causing the mans hair to wave just a bit. To a causal passerby he'd looks fairly average, just another middle-aged man in the US. However if they were to go closer they'd see the casual, yet dangerous, grace in the man's stance. They'd see the scar that curves down the left side of his face, all the way from temple to jaw, and the half-haunted glaze that hangs over his eyes.

"Never thought we'd do something like that, we're Winchester's after all, good luck just ain't in our job description." A half-hearted smile passes over his face, gone too soon and replaced by a sort of wistful regret.

"Cas left today, said there was stuff he had to take care of upstairs, wouldn't go much deeper, said he'd try to come back though. And Bobby keeps threatening to stick his foot up my ass if I don't stop moping around his yard, says I remind him too much of Dad."

The man sighs and tugs a hand trough his hair, tilting his head slightly like he's listening to a faint tune.

"I can hear you up there man, your laughing at me aren't you?"

There's no audible answer but the man nods anyways, as though he's confirming something, before glancing down at his watch.

" I gotta go now," he says quietly, almost apologetically.

"But I'll be back next month, promise." The man lays a single red-and-white-striped carnation one top of the simple stone and walks away. The wind almost seems to whisper good-bye.

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Daughtry - You Don't Belong

John didn't realize how badly he fucked-up until it's him and Sam squaring off in a shitty motel room just outside Detroit, dead set on going their separate ways.

There must have been a line somewhere, invisible, metaphorical, but still insanely real, cause he's staring at his youngest from across two beds and about three feet of extra space and he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what to do about the hurt, disbelieving glare in Dean's eyes or the white letter clutched in Sam's fist, Full Ride in letters across the top so bold he can read them from here. So he falls back on the old Winchester standby.

He yells, fights, calls Sam out for never embracing the lifestyle forced on them by Mary's killer, refusing to believe Sammy's just gonna leave, expecting Sam to back down like he almost always does.

But Sam doesn't. He stands proud and defiant, shouts right back that he doesn't even fucking remember Mom and all this "lifestyle" is gonna do is kill Dean or John. That strikes more than a few nerves in John, he gave up e_verything _for this, and before he realizes it the words slip out.

"_You wanna go, fine! But don't you ever dare of thinking about coming back." _

The silence after those words is almost suffocating and for the first time John sees a flicker of doubt dart across Sam's face, his eyes slide to the side, seeking Dean, quietly pleading for Dean to make it all better. John turns his head just a twitch to the right, staring at him also.

Dean blinks, not looking away from Sam, and slowly shakes his head, takes two steps to the left so he's standing closer too his dad than the baby brother he practically raised. A faint, tiny, bubble of pride grows in his stomach, he's sure now that Sam won't leave if his brothers against it.

Sam nods sharply once, twice, face expressionless, though John can see the betrayal written clearly in his eyes. He strides past them, grabbing his things, his life packed in three bags, and swings the door open and lets it fall shut behind him. John is frozen, brain slowly comprehending what just happened, slowly realizing that his sons actually took the bait and walked out. Dean moves across the room, refusing to meet John's eyes, and lays fully clothed on his and Sam's bed- just his bed now- stares at the wall.

Outside, as if in final spite, thunder roars.

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Simple Plan - Perfect World

In another world Mary Winchester didn't die and John Winchester didn't start hunting. The Demon didn't fry Mary extra crispy on the ceiling, didn't have to. He just took his future Boy-King and left.

o.o

In another world Dean died on a hunt when he was sixteen. No warning, the Black Dog gutted him in one swipe and left before John could get a shot off. Having to go back to their motel room and tell Sammy that Dean wasn't coming back had to be the hardest thing he had ever done and the blame in Sam's eye was almost enough to shred what was left of his heart.

John was never the same after that, got more intimate with Jack, Jim, and Jose, than Hunting. Sam tried to step it up, become the Hunter his brother had been and learned to avoid John as much as possible, not wanting to hear the same drunken rant over and over again. A week before what would've been Dean's twentieth birthday he left, just vanished into the night with the car and artillery.

Two years after that he returned to the place where Dean had been killed and wasted that Monster without batting an eye. A week after that he got a call from his Dad, asking him to "come home". Sam deleted the message and kept driving.

o.o

In another world Sam didn't go to Jericho with his brother. Turned his brother down and watched the Impala peel out of the lot, trying to ignore the whisper in his head that told him he was wrong.

Monday morning he went to his interview, the uncomfortable feeling in his chest growing stronger as the day wore on. When he got home the light on their answering machine was blinking steadily.

Three hours after that Jess came back and found Sam curled-up in the kitchen, phone clenched one shaking hand while his eyes stared unseeingly forward. He wouldn't tell her what was wrong, just mumbled something about family and how he should've gone with Dean.

A decade, two successful jobs, and three kids later Jess still wonders what made her husband hurt like that.

o.o

In another world Sam saw the semi coming towards them and spun the Impala at the last second so his side was facing the truck. Dean slid across the back seat, his blood slicking the seat so he was suddenly sitting behind his Dad. The air was still filled with the sound of screeching brakes when the crunching, shattering sound of crushed metal exploded into the night.

In the end John was the only one not severely hurt, both his sons comatose, Dean from the shock of the crash after having his heart nearly ripped apart, Sam from taking over 20-thousand direct pounds of force to save his dad. John doesn't want either of his sons to die, but in the end he only has one colt, one bullet, and one soul, and the demon will only will let him pick one.

In the end John watches his eldest wake up the same time his youngest starts to crash and doesn't think to question why the Demon is laughing so when he comes to collect.

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**AN 2.0: Double bonus points if you get the Obscure Reference in the first AN !!! Double-Triple-Metaphorical-Chocolate-Cookies if you review !!**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: I'M NOT DEAD!!!  
Life's just been kicking my ass lately :P  
Anyways, I'm gonna let you read, but before you start there's three things I want to tell you.  
1) The last one's kinda ramble-y but I think it works  
2) It references to something that occured in my fic. "Living and Fighting"  
3) Marilyn Manson's "This Is Halloween"= very interesting and oddly good.**

**DISCLAIMER: There's another 5-week Hellatus coming up so OF COURSE I don't own 'em! Sheesh, I wouldn't punish us like that :( **

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**Atreyu - The Theft **

Dean's seen his brother broken before, literally and figuratively. He was with his brother for the fallout after losing his "normal" life, after they lost Dad, after Sam made the mistake of loving another girl only to have that bite him straight on the ass. Hell Dean's seen his brother come down after a near year-long Demon Blood binge.

But Dean has never seen his brother this distant, this broken

This battle, the guilt he's carrying for being too wrapped-up in his revenge quest for Lilith to realize that it was maybe a tad too easy to find and kill her., for letting Lucifer free…It's killing him, slowly but surely. Sam's trying to play the stoic-avenger though, foregoing his own issues in favor for trying to fix the entire world.

Part of Dean wants to smack his brother in the back of the head and tell him what a moron he's being.

Part of Dean wants to turn back time and stop all of this fucked-up shit from ever happening.

Part of Dean tells the other two halves to stop their god-dammed whining, they've got work to do.

Part of Dean, the darkest little corner he's been trying his hardest to smother since being pulled out of the pit, watches with a sort of detached interest and laughs at the mess they've helped make.

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**Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become **

My eyes were black. Fucking Demonic-evil black, and somehow…

Somehow I'm surprised by this.

I don't have any real right to be surprised, if Chuck can be trusted it's happened more than once, and I never noticed. At least it didn't happen in public, that'd caused quite a stir, Hell when Dean was in…hell, I'd been glad for a distraction like that.

Guess that just shows how much I've changed over the past few years.

Before Dean died, going darkside was one of my biggest fears, right up there with losing the last family I had. After I guess it just became one of those things that didn't matter all that much anymore. If I was drunk or high enough the lines were easier to blur and going darkside…well, half the time it didn't sound like a bad idea. If I had thought It would get Dean back and he wouldn't turn right around and kill me for becoming one of "them" I'd done it in a heartbeat, still would actually.

That's the only comforting thing left in the world right now. Lucifer's risen (three cheers for us Damn Winchesters!), I'm distinctly more Demon than Human, Booby's paralyzed and pissed, Dean's Angel is on a "quest to find God", and I rarely know half of what Dean himself is thinking anymore, but it's reassuring to know that I'd still do anything for him.

On the other hand I know for sure that he doesn't trust me and maybe it'd be easier for me to fight this battle if he did.

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**Marilyn Manson - This Is Halloween **

It's only been two weeks since John's seen his boys but once he and Moesly get them safely in the shack it's obvious that their radically different than the sixteen and twenty-year-olds he last saw.

Dean still hasn't released the rifle he used to smash one of the "zombies" head's in and Sam won't move more than three feet from where Dean stands, eyes shadowed as they scan the windows and hasty barricade reinstalled at the doorway.

Moesly excuses himself back upstairs after a few tense minutes of silence, leaving John with his two nearly unrecognizable sons. It's only now that he really has a chance to look at them that John notices the blood that mats down Sam's hair and the tear in Dean's cheek.

After another few seconds Dean clears his throat and finally sets his gun on the dilapidated couch, grimacing at the brain chunks that are sticking to the stock, before looking at John.

"You guys got a bathroom?" he asks quietly.

John blinks, surprised at such a simple question, before answering "Down the hallway, first door on the left. The water pressure's not good but…"

John trails off as Dean nods turning back to Sam, who's relaxed slightly against the wall though his eyes still wander restlessly.

"Go check it out Sam, good chance get some of the ick off huh?" He suggests, mustering a half-hearted grin. Sam reaches up almost absently towards his head and nods, moving wordlessly past John and down the hallway.

Now it's just John and Dean, awkward silence continuing until the pipes creak on and the sound of running water is audible through the thin wall. It's as if that Dean's cue to relax, as he drops back beside his rifle with a weary sigh before offering John the same weak smile he had given Sam.

"Things got a little crazy didn't they Dad?"

John sits gingerly on the rickety "look-out" chair by the front-door, and gives his own laugh. "You could say that Dean." he agrees.

The water sputters, followed by a curse muttered loud enough to float out to the main room. John glances at the hallway, remembering the shadows in Sammy's eyes.

"Dean…is your brother…is Sammy okay?"

Just like that Dean's shaky smile is gone, replaced by sorrow so thick and deep John could drown in it.

"We didn't realize anything was wrong. Went down to the Quick-E Mart a few hours after you left and…this little girl jumped out at me. She couldn't have been more than six but she was covered in blood and Sammy just reacted…" Dean trails off, eyes dark with memory as a lump swells in John's throat.

Dean seems to shake himself out of his thoughts just as the weather creaks of for good, and fixes John with a direct, if slightly pleading, stare.

" We're coping Dad, and you're here, just don't bring it up ok, not yet."

Sam's standing in the doorway now, hair clean of most the gore. Now John can see the guilt that lurks behind the darkness in his sons eyes and wants to offer comfort, to tell Sammy that everything's okay now, but he has no idea how to communicate with this new Sam so turns his gaze back to Dean and nods.

**

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**AN 2.0: Gonna try for a "Waiting In Darkness" update this weekend. I get a three-day so it's a bonus day to write :D  
PLEASE REVIEW !!**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Fuck I'm late with this update. I swear my ability to write just vanished. Everytime I sat down to type I ended up with total crap but thankfully I think the block finally vanished. However the price of that breaking seemed to be an overdose of The Angst. You have been warned, read on at your own risk :)**

Jess

DISCLAIMER: 8P

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**Limp Bizkit - Behind Blue Eyes**

Sam tried.

He tried so damn hard after Dean died. Tried to keep hunting, to keep fighting the good fight, to keep _living_ but… he couldn't.

Ruby, the powers, the demon-blood it helped, for a while at least, helped dull the jagged, empty hole that Dean had tore through his heart. He was helping people, getting rid of the demons without hurting the hosts and it felt…it felt good to save a few innocent souls, even if it was just further tainting his own.

Then Dean came back and for one shining moment everything was okay again, they were Sam and Dean again, hunters, _brothers _reunited, they could take on anything. the hole finally sealed.

He should've known there was a catch, nothing's ever free with the Winchester's. With Dean came the Angels that despised him for his methods, faith cherished for so long shattered. Ruby's betrayal and Lucifer's rising. Dean's mistrust.

So he left.

Maybe this, in everything he's done wrong in his life, maybe this one action is right.

**--------**

**Simple Plan - Everytime **

Three hundred and sixty-four days of Dean Winchester's final year Sam spent searching frantically for someway to break the deal. In the final month his searches took on a sort-of hysteric quality. More often then not he'd fall asleep curled over a huge old tome on some rickety as fuck motel table while Dean pretended to sleep one of the beds only to jerk awake a few moments later when vision of Dean getting torn to pieces crowded against inside his eyelids.

On the day before his last day though Dean just shook his head and pulled Sam out to the car. They drove for hours, first headed north than back south, music blaring like usual, words neither could speak passed through short glances, and on Sam's part half-choked sobs. The Impala ran out of gas thirty-five minutes before midnight and Dean just sat for a moment, listening to Sam struggling to keep his cries from exploding into full on wailing. Thirty minutes to midnight Dean pulled Sam into a tight hug and whispered his last five words. Sam clung to him like a drowning man to a life-ring, fingers twisting into his jacket and reminding Dean forcefully of a trembling six-year-old doing the same thing after a nightmare. He barely reacted as Dean slid the needle into his neck

Twenty-five minutes to midnight Sam's grip slacked, and his breathing evened out as the drugs coursed through his blood. Dean eased him back against the seat and climbed out of the car, locked the doors and began to walk.

Twenty minutes and three miles later Dean heard the first growls. Seven minutes after that his body was nearly unrecognizable and the cops would find huge bloody paw-prints surrounding the body.

Thirteen and a half seconds after Dean Winchester drew his final breath Sam Winchester's stuttered as the overdose of sedatives his brother had given him caused his heart to beat irregularly.

" '_M not gonna leave ya' Sammy."_

**--------**

**Breaking Benjamin - Sooner Or Later **

The night is peaceful, normal, most families tucked safely away in their beds. The silence is shattered by one particular mothers cry, followed by a shout form the husband and the roar of hungry flames. In that peaceful night the fate of the world changes, Demons begin whispering in Hell while Angels shift their wings restlessly in Heaven.

The night is November 2, 1983. Sam Winchester is six months old.

o.o

The yard is full of wrecked cars, stacked on top of each other like walls to a fortress.

The owner of this yard is a young man by the name of Robert "Bobby" Singer. Drawn to John Winchester by the similar lose he reluctantly agreed to watch John's youngest while the man took his eldest out on his first hunt.

Within a week Sammy's got him so wrapped around his finger that Bobby would willing chop off his own arm to save the kid he's quickly coming to regard as a sort of surrogate son.

The month is May of 1987. Sammy is 4 years old.

o.o

The veil is lifted of one cold Christmas Eve in a grimy hotel in Southern Kentucky. Suddenly the meaning behind the constant moving, the salt at the windows and doors, and the weekly weapons practice, is shockingly clear. The world becomes a darker, much more dangerous place in the two hours it takes his older brother to explain everything.

The Demons flinch even as they begin to rejoice. Their future leader is no-longer naive to their existence, things are moving forward just as planned.

The day is December 24, 1991. Sammy is 8 years old.

o.o

He's been left "home" alone for the first time as Dad and Dean leave to hunt a werewolf a few counties over. The motel room has been rented out for the next month and there's plenty of food, Sam's even made himself a few friends at the local Middle School. In his life things are good. It's easy to ignore the looks he gets from one teacher, the probing questions, and the over niceties. Until the day that he follows Sam back to the motel.

Almost before Sam realizes what's happened the teachers forced himself into the room and is blocking the only escape.. He holds Sam's phones and knife out of reach and threatens the boy with the one thing he's sure will earn him his way: Child Protective Services, taking him away from Dean.

The year is 1995 and after that night Sam is never the same again. John writes it off as puberty and while Dean knows something must have happened his former chatterbox of a brother won't tell him anything.

Azazel's never been one to torture but when he learns of what that mere mortal _dared _to do to his chosen one he takes great pleasure in flaying the man personally.

o.o

They thought it was a spirit snatching children from the local park, even found a spirit that could've been doing it

Sam had his doubts though, and if it weren't for the overwhelming mix of anger, revulsion, and _rage _pounding through Sam's veins he'd feel fully justified telling Dean and John "told ya' so!"

As it is he's standing in this mans, this _monsters _excuse of a playroom "Guarding" him while John and Dean put the two kids they actually managed to save in the car, and he doesn't think twice. Two shots ring out and Sam joins his father and brother in the car acting like nothings happened, though he doesn't speak for a week afterwards.

Sam Winchester is Sixteen, and the Demons rejoice while tearing apart the soul sent down unknowingly by their future liege's hand.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: She's back, and damn it feels good XD  
I didn't men for it to take so long to update anything but I swear to God I just lost any and all inspiration to type over the past couple of weeks, everytime I sat down to write it just...basically came out shit. I've rediscovered my muses though and are putting them through the grinder as we speak (type, read?) to get the next Chapter of WID up, cause I definetely don't want to leave people hanging much longer on it.  
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**Mans Zelmerlow - The Prayer: I strongly suggest that you go to Youtube, Type in Struggling For Perfection, and click on the Sam video that pops up. It's to this song and just wonderfully, heart-wrenchingly made. The chick who made it's got some damn fine skills.  
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****DISCLAIMER: THEIR MINE, MINE I TELL YOU, ALL MINE!!!1!!1!!!!1!!**

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**XTZ - Dear God**

It starts in Pastor Jim's church when Sam's nine years old, ten days after Dean gets gouged by a werewolf that was supposed to be a Black Dog. Jim's giving his nightly sermon and he's curled up in the corner of the very last pew trying to figure out if God's just as prefect as everyone says he is how he let Dean almost die.

"_How could you let that happen?" _

It starts in a apartment building when Sam's thirteen and gets home early from school an hour because someone set the Home-Ec stove on fire. Dad's been gone for about a week on a hunt he was supposed to get back from four days ago and even though Dean's trying to hide it Sam can tell he's worried and moneys running low. Some fat balding guy passes him up the stairs wearing a self-satisfied smile and gives him a look that makes him walk just a little faster, suddenly wanting to check on Dean. When he gets in the room the beds stripped and he can hear retching come from the bathroom over the sound of pounding water.

"_Dean doesn't deserve this, please just send Dad home…" _

It starts on the last day of school in Wisconsin when he's eighteen and gets an acceptance letter from Stanford. It's a full ride from one of the best schools in America and while he knows Dad won't be pleased and it'll hurt Dean if he leaves he doesn't think twice about accepting. The ultimatum from Dad's not particularly surprising, but it doesn't stop his heart from breaking just a little and the cold disbelief from Dean doesn't help.

"_All I want is a chance to be normal, is that really too much?"_

It starts when he's twenty-two and leaves for two day to help Dean. Just like old times and for the first time he thinks that he can convince Dean that this is a good thing, but he get's home and finds Jess and knows in those frozen seconds of _shockhorrorfearpain_ that any chance of normal just vanished.

"_Why did you take her? What did I do wrong?"_

It starts when Dean dies and he realizes that he's truly alone. He doesn't fight against Ruby as hard as he would've because there really no reason, Dean's dead after all, whets the point of holding back now?

"_You're laughing aren't you, fucking…just tell me why this happened, I don't…I don't know anymore." _

**-------**

**Sixx: AM: Van Nuys **

It's not supposed to end this way, he finally made it

_He finds the article by accident, just scanning the morning paper while he waits for his coffee. Lately he's trained himself to ignore the mysterious deaths but this one, it sticks in his mind and won't let go _

He tries once to drag his body up but pain shoots blindingly up his spine, stabbing at the base of his skull and he falls back, chocking on a scream

"_Four more bodies found in creek, Authorities suspect wild animal" _

_After about a week he finally caves and takes a closer look at the articles. It's not a wild animal, that much is obvious to him. The attacks are too focused, too well executed. With a weary sigh he stocks up and tells everyone he's leaving for a week "visiting relatives", and he'll be back Monday._

Dad said he was swinging by tomorrow, it'll be the first time they've talked in nearly three years he can't let his Dad down, gotta prove that leaving was the best thing he could've done, but his body just isn't listening to his brain anymore.

_He fucked up, didn't research enough, kissed that one vital clue, and now he knows he's going to pay for it. The crashing behind him is getting louder, heralding the creatures approach and he stops suddenly, spins around and raises his gun but the thing hits him just ass he fires leaves gouges burring like fire across his chest before it goes down._

He's got to get up, get back to the car and call someone…gotta get up and call Dean…call Dad….he's gotta…gotta move….has to call…

**--------**

**30 Seconds To Mars: Night Of The Hunter **

When it happens there's no ominous flash of lightning and thunder, no shaking Earth, or fire raining from the sky. There's just one brother clutching the cooling body of the other and realizing that there's no way to fix it this time.

There's emotion swirling behind tear-filled Green eyes as they stare into blank, empty Hazel and the shattering knowledge that he'll never see the fire that usually burns behind them ever again.

There's the sanity that the remaining brother usually holds onto with white-knuckled force slipping gradually away as he dimly hears the jeering shouts of other Hunters mingling with the defiant dying shouts of the man he's come to regard as a surrogate father.

There's one split-second of remorse as he wonders if Sammy's burning in Hell or watching with Mom, and Dad, and Jess, and Madison before Dean eases his brothers _batteredbrokenbloodied _body back onto the floor and lets his sanity go. He steps into the other room, hearing Alistair's voice croon in the back of his mind as he slit's the throat of the closest Hunter, hears the Demon's oily laugh mix in with the now terrified screams of the Hunters replace the victory cries of earlier.

When he's done the entire room's painted in deep crimson, bodies not even recognizable as human anymore and Dean can swear he hears Sam's voice with Alistair's, sad and low but not scolding and he leaves the house burning in his rearview mirror, Heavy Metal blaring as he starts the search for his former Teacher.

**--------**

**Mans Zelmerlow - The Prayer **

Detoxing again. The thought makes Sam laugh even as pain races through his veins like fire, scorching him from the inside out. Who'd ever think that he'd be the one that had to go through this. Dean had always been the reckless one, most likely to try and do anything while Sam had been the quiet and cautious one.

And a laugh does fight free then because he lost that Sam the instant he started with the demon-blood, he has no right to try and compare himself now to the Sam he used to be. The Sam he used to be wouldn't have trusted a demon at all, let alone over his own brother. The Sam he once was wouldn't have thought once about drinking fucking Demon-Blood, even if Dean was gone or some supernatural influence.

The Sam he once was wouldn't have hurt Dean so bad, would've taken himself out years before taking a chance of ruining the Earth, and in a way it's worse knowing this because there's no way to go back and change any of this, there's not an Angel or Demon in the world that would grant him that chance to go back and fix it.

He knows this and it hurts almost more than the Detox does and there's no way to fix it.

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**AN: Reviews are my chocolate, and I love me some chocolate :)**


	11. Chapter 11

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**AN: Guh, I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter...gonna give a chance though, and go catch a few hours of shut-eye now that it's past midnight, so I can finish up the next chapter of WID and (hopefully) have it up on the website by about this time tomorrow**

DISCLAIMER: F*** YOU KRIPKE, YOU ************* ******* ******* *******!!!!!!

Cheers ya'll, don't forget to reveiw,  
Jess :)

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**Lostprophets: Heaven For The Weather, Hell For The Company **

He doesn't realize it's true until after he's said it but somewhere between meeting him, almost a human year ago, and now Castiel became Sam's friend.

Part of him, the small, rapidly shrinking part of him that has yet to be severed from Heaven's grace, still shies away from the concept of being in anywhere near the half-demon-human-hybrid that is Sam Winchester for longer than absolutely necessary, unnerved by the aura of just blatant wrongness that surround him, but the other part…the steadily increasing _human _half of him is surprisingly content to remain in his presence.

It's one of the most confusing things he's had to deal with since falling, surely it's not normal even for a human to be so at ease around Sam as most of them seem to be, surely even with their limited senses they can feel the evil that has touched him, but the brief glimpses he can take of most of the random strangers thoughts are undisturbed by his presence, some even finding it pleasurable.

So he sits, in the cover of darkness in the latest Motel room, and he watches Sam as he keeps his former brothers and sisters out of Dean's dreams. He contemplates how easily he could've wiped Sam from existence when they first met, how willingly he would've done. He contemplates how easy it would still be now, with his limited and dwindling grace, to deepens Dean's sleep and kill Sam before he could fully wake.

He sits, and watches, and _knows_, seeing Lucifer's vessel and probable ender of the World, that even if he possessed his full power now, that he wouldn't, couldn't kill Sam, because killing Sam means losing Dean and, more importantly, losing the only two people in existence he can currently call friends.

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**-------**

**The Rasmus - Lucifer's Angel**

It's amazing really, how fate can twist and shift to make sure that everyone's destinies stay the way their supposed to. But I guess that's one of the perks of being an Seraph, having the power, the responsibility to change what we want, when we want, as long as it fit's the plan.

Take Sam, for example. His future was set the minute his Grandparents laid eyes on each other, but the boys been fighting every step of the way, Fate says go left and he takes a hard right. Like that unfortunate thing with Jess, she wouldn't have died if he hadn't left with Dean for those two precious days. If he had been there when Azazel swung by she'd lived and we'd have paradise a whole lot sooner.

But I'm straying off my point here, he can deny Lucifer all he wants, can shout and stomp 'til he's blue in the face but that won't stop him from eventually saying yes, the only thing that ever changes is what happens to make that happen. Same for Dean if you're wondering, though his case is just a bit different.

Now don't look so stunned Mary, you had a hand in this too, making that deal. Sure if you hadn't things would've still happened like this eventually but I think we both know that you can take most of the blame for what they've gone through to get here.

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**--------**

**Poets Of The Fall - Sleep**

The first thing that hits him is the overwhelming silence, not even the sound of breathing, though if he can think he must be breathing, right?

The second is the feeling of something carding through his hair and something warm hitting his face. This is wrong he knows this…if he could just focus…just for a moment…but darkness calls and he sinks back under.

When he wakes the second time he can hear again but it _hurts_, every sound traveling to stab viciously behind his eyes.

The hand is still there though, offering silent comfort even as warm drops still falling and he can see light filtering through his eyelids. He hears a slight sound, a stifled sob and this scares some distant part of his brain,the part that still remembers that if his brother's crying then something's wrong.

He tries so hard to open his eyes as the sobs get louder but it's so damnhard and darkness welcomes him back

He wakes the third time and it all comes rushing back, painful flashes of battle and screaming, flashing weapons and streaming blood. The pain hits him second, flooding through his veins like fire and before he realizes it he's screaming and fighting to get out of the force holding him down, barely able to hear his brother's pleas to calm down over his own pain.

This time when darkness comes he's to one that welcomes it, sinking back with a sob that echoes his brothers after they won.

The fourth time he can't feel the pain, can't feel much of anything anymore, but the memory is there, the knowledge that there's no cheating death this time. He manages to open his eyes one more time though, meet his brothers watery gaze and smile one last time before falling for a final time, welcoming the peaceful darkness.

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**Broken Iris - Eyes Of Tomorrow **

Sometimes he thinks he's gone insane.

It wouldn't be surprising really with the lives they lead, knowing Dean he'd crack some joke about padded rooms and Dad would just bark at them to take another lap. So yeah, insanity's not really high on the Winchester list of problems.

It can't be normal though, even with what they do on a weekly, if not daily, basis, to get flashes of the future, feelings on what roads and towns they should stay away from to avoid the cops, Sam knows this but at the same time he'd really rather not think about it. The only explanation he can think of to explain it is Psychic, and being Psychic means not being normal, not fully human, and even though he _knows _Dean would kill himself before he even though about hurting his little brother he can't fully destroy the little niggling part of his brain that thinks Dad would completely lose it.

So he does what Winchesters do best, he ignores the issue. If something's particularly insistent he'll drop vague hints, try to nudge Dean and Dad into avoiding certain areas, even throwing an all out temper tantrum once to avoid adding their car to a major pile-up on the highway Dad wanted to take one day.

Dean called it a lucky break, five seconds before calling Sam princess again for throwing a fit in the first place, Dad though, he got this look in his eyes, like he knew exactly what Sam was doing, that nearly sent Sam into a panic attack before quietly agreeing that it must have been a lucky coincidence.

Maybe he's just insane, and it's one more thing separating him from the "normal" that he so desperately craves, but if it helps Sam save his family he's not trading it for anything.


	12. Chapter 12

**Rascal Flatts - Why**

He would've been graduating today, valedictorian the counselor had told him regretfully, top of his class in the school of a town they'd only been in for two months. _"It's a great school Dad, the teachers are practically geniuses. Sam'll do great there." _

"_**Pulse is fading, Blood Pressure falling" **_

John doesn't know how he can be surprised really, fate's never been kind to the Winchesters. Took his parents when he was a teen, took Mary and sent him on this eighteen year "crusade" that had so long been a point of contention between himself and Sam for the last six. He shouldn't be so shocked that it took Sam, and Dean by proxy.

"_Watch after your brother Dean, that your job okay?"_

"_Course Dad, you know I will." _

"_**I've got traces of blood in the airway but no airflow behind it"**_

Dean hasn't actually talked to him in a little over a month, outside of the absolutely necessary communication he's become basically mute, John's sure that he's blaming himself, and on some distant level this pisses him off. He doesn't know how Dean can blame himself when even John didn't even see it coming. Then again, he wasn't always the most observant of fathers and Sam…he'd been raised by the masters of stoicism, taught since he started hunting that it was easier to internalize than talk it out.

"_When I told Dad I was afraid of the thing in my closet he gave me a .45 Dean! I was nine years old, he was supposed to say don't be afraid of the dark!"_

"_**I've lost all pulse and pressure, I think he's gone." **_

He'd found the journals a week after the funeral, sewn into the very bottom of Sam's duffel, and spent most of the night trying to figure out how Sam had hidden everything he was feeling from them. On the outside he had been so bright, inquisitive and stubborn, a natural born world-changer, even if he'd been withdrawing in the last year or so he'd still been fairly open, there wasn't any of those "warning signs" that you were supposed to see. _'Why are we doing this Dad? Why is it our job to hunt these things?"_

"_**Flatline now at 2 minutes 30. We're almost out of time." **_

Reading those journals though, he doesn't know how he missed it, how he couldn't see his own son drowning right in front of him.

"_**We've lost him"**_

"_**Come on kid, don't give up on me!"**_

Hindsight's 20/20, and if he had any way he'd go back and fix it, but now…he's lost his youngest. Sam found his breaking point, too many years of running from place to place chasing the monsters in the dark and collecting his own shadows. When he fell there was just bluntly wasn't anyone there to catch him.

"_We're going out to pick up some grub Sammy, ya' wanna come?" "…no. I've got a ton of homework to do,"_

"_Alright. We'll be back in fifteen.""Wait Dean…I love both you guys, you know that right?_

"_**It's to late Maryann, call it."**_

"…_**Time of death 2:25 a.m" **_

**Crossfade - Colors **

The resemblance between Lucifer and Sam is almost frighteningly clear sometimes, and Gabriel's sure that he's the only one that sees it, if only because he's the only one willing to remember Lucifer before the Fall.

He remembers his younger brother before Father created the Humans. Remembers the way Lucifer was constantly questioning, ever curious about how things worked and why Father was doing the things he did. How hard-headed and stubborn he could be when arguing with Michael over how things were run. He remembers how things started to fracture, Lucifer refusing to bow, gathering his own following among the lower ranks, and the first war.

He remembers Lucifer asking, _begging_, for him to be on his side and refusing, "Father works in mysterious way" and all the other bullshit Michael fed him.

Gabriel falls over a millennia before the Winchester fates are set, slips away while things are in disarray over Fathers absence, sets up his own little corner of the world and mixes with the humans. He never fully severs his ties though, and he watches the Winchesters from a distance whenever they come into his territory.

He sees the relationship between Sam and Dean wax as the relationship between Sam and John wanes. Sees the miniscule changes in his aura as Sam grows, tiny things that all gradually nudge him towards his destiny. He's there when John and Sam finally have there blow-up, and three years later when his sweetheart dies.

He hears the Angels shift in preparation in Heaven and the Demons clamor in Hell and he swears that, one way or another, he'll prevent the fight between Michael and Lucifer from happening again.

**Poets Of The Fall: "Change"**

He wants to say it shocked him, when Sammy came up with that crazy ass plan to fight Lucifer from inside. With every part of his shredded soul he wants to say that the idea of Sam giving in never occurred to him, after all he's _Dean. _He was -he _is_- Sammy's big brother, it's practically ingrained in his DNA to protect his brother and believe in him.

And yet…

And yet part of him, the part he buries everyday before climbing out of bed, presses that the same thing that made him want to hide Sam away in a box until this it was all over, knew the entire time that this is the way it's going to end.

He watched Sammy grow. He was there to see the way Sammy grew from inquisitive toddler to adventurous child, and from that to sullen teen, and hardened adult. He saw the changes, both in Sam's body and soul, as any and everything in the universe seemed to line up just to take shots at them, to see how much it could take to knock them down.

He wants to say that it never could've happened but he looks at Sam and sees everything from the past five years hanging over him like a cloud,. He looks at Sam and sees the way his little brother fights to keep going everyday, and pride fights with _angersadnesspain _as his mind traitorously whispers that there could be no other way.

**Thrice: "The Lion and the Wolf" **

One of _It's _hands frames his face, fingers tracing the edges of terrified hazel-gold eyes, firmer along his angled jaw until they hit the leather strap obscuring his mouth, built to muffle pleas and curses, wails and screams.

_It_ grants him a touch absolutely and terrifyingly different from any other torture he's endured before, nothing like the claws that dig into his chest, tips grazing his traitorous heart that beats faster, betraying his confusion and fear. Nothing like the blood that paints every available surface in crusts dark crimsons and splashes of startling reds, or the screams that echo constantly rising and falling like the waves of a long dried, long forgotten, ocean.

No this touch…this is personal, painfully _caring _in comparison of everything else, tainted with an edge of memory and hope, of happier times with shared nights and dreams, and just for a moment he slips. He lets himself remember before, "Hey Jude" sung with half the words forgotten in the cracking voice of a boy hitting puberty, and a shared can of Spaghetti-O's half heated on a shitty cabin stove 'cause there's no money for anything else. For a few blissful seconds he drifts among the past, wishing, _praying _for a way to turn back time. Then he's slamming back to the present, brought down by a splintering pain and the unmistakable tearing sound of flesh that's somehow audible over the sound of the other souls torment.

Once-Dean smiles, a twisted mockery of what once was, and presents Sam with his own heart. He gives Sam just long enough to grey out, to let a flicker of hope tell him that it's really over, before snapping his fingers, mending his soul-form, and starting the process again.

**Rufus Wainwright: "Hallelujah"**

For the first six months after…after Sam sacrificed himself Dean doesn't let himself think about it. He leaves the Impala and Sam's things with Bobby, promises to keep in touch even though they both know he's lying and borrows one of the clunkers from the Salvage Yard to drive down to Lisa's.

Dean settles, for lack of a better word, does things that every "normal" person does. _(Things Sam never got to experience and never will). _He drives Ben to school every morning and picks him up from baseball every Thursday, he goes to cook-outs with Lisa twice every month and meets the neighbors, he even gets a job eventually, working part-time in a musty old bookshop at the edge of town.

There are things though, little things that just keep reminding him of before. Things like Ben fighting with Lisa over the final Game for his team, a song on the radio that Sam liked and he bitched about, Old Lady Howard's cats going missing on the full moon.

Finally in November _(ironic really, that he has to fall apart in that month) _Dean feels himself snap. Sneaks out in the middle of the night and hotwires the neighbor's jeep before tearing out of town, pointed towards South Dakota. Bobby's waiting out front with the Impala's keys when he arrives and Dean wonders for a moment if Cas warned him or if he just knew before taking the keys and leaving again for Kansas.

He makes the 6 hour drive in just under 4, running on rest-stop coffee and cheap Quick-Shop sandwiches, collapses on the ground where Sam fell just as the sun begins to rise and just lies there for a few minutes, lets the memories wash over him.

Eventually though he crawls back up and finally, finally, pulls Sam's things out of the trunk, slumps back on the ground and begins the process of sorting through it.


End file.
